Everything that happen around us is for a reason and no one does anything without a reason. The reasoning of a person is based on his trust/belief. Depending upon the circumstances they grow up, each person develop their own trust and start believing in it. When two persons of different belief meet each other the situation would be chaotic.
One start to develop their trust by reasoning it. As I believe they will start to reason anything which they don't know I mean they will argue the pros and cons internally or as they call it analyze the situation and will come to the conclusion based on the analysis. It is not always sure that we arrive at the correct solution. some time we come up with some extraordinary solution which would eventually turn out to be a bad decision. The point here is as and when we make the wrong decision we learn from it. we will just realize the point which we missed in our decision making and will remember to consider it when we encounter the same situation again.
We will be crossing many such situations in our day to day life and all our decision here makes him a perfect man. There are people who keeps on arguing about the pros and cons and will never come to any conclusion. They will be fearing their decision and will be afraid to face the consequences. In fact, I myself was one such person who fears to make decisions. But one thing which i noticed is they are powerful in making the decision for know things only when something new comes they will be prolonging their arguments till the last minute and when the time comes they will go with the momentary decision which ever comes to their mind and not with the analyzed decision. If luck favors then the decision would be successful.
I may be wrong here but the pain and stress they undergo to make a decision in new things is pretty huge. Only thing is no one know it and it is not one such thing which can be discussed with anyone because it would be like you will be arguing against yourself. In either way you will lose and gain. One thing which made me realize this is an argument with one of my friend about some topic which i don't remember right now. It was like he was arguing positively and i was against the topic and it went on so long and eventually at one point of time he started to give up and agree on what i said but i couldn't accept that he gave up. I just felt that he is not convinced by my words but is giving up because the argument is prolonging. I started motivating him by supporting his thoughts and it was like i was against myself and was breaking all the strong points which i made earlier.
It was like Me & myself arguing against each other and it went on endlessly. As i mentioned earlier i couldn't arrive at an analyzed solution at that point of time rather i can just keep that off from my mind in the name of god. What ever I did, I started to blame it against god. Be it good or bad, I started to convince myself that the outcome is gods decision and because he wanted me to that i am doing this. I felt better and relieved stress fully. The problem started again with arguing my way of believing in god. my argument against myself was stupid but at the same time i feel that this is something which no one has looked at it and putting the thoughts saying what if it(my belief towards god) is correct ?
The argument never ends as it happens inside my mind what ever solution I come up with, I argue against it with some other reason. It gave me one belief such that you can never get yourself satisfied fully and hence a person will not be good to everyone. I do not know when the argument inside me will end but i believe that me arguing against myself is the one good source of my wisdom!!!.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Kshatriyas Extermination
We have been enjoying all the pleasures provided by the technology. Everyday we keep on noticing some new inventions, we even hear rumors about few advanced technologies and we may never know when those dream will come true. But here we are enjoying happy moments of life. Our life now are not without problems as well, there are mere day to day problems like, daily power cuts, money inflation and problem of survival.
if i take a deeper dive into these problems and see their origin. They were not something which existed long back. The problem of power cut were not faced by ancient people becoz electricity was not invented those days. There were no money inflation problem as there were abundant resources available. There were survival problem but that's not because of the inflation and society but for war. I didn't meant to say that there weren't problems in ancient days all i meant to say is that they had problem of their time which they were facing happily and lived freely.
so what caused all these problems? when i asked this question myself there were lot of answers revolving around and first thing came to my mind was whom to accuse and how to accuse. I never realized the problem that resided in me. we people complain about many things and everyone and always think that what we do is correct and what we understand is the world but in real the world extends way far beyond our knowledge our understanding is not even one millionth part of it. we have lost many of our talents, race, art and we call our self as an icon for culture when we our self has been spoiling it.
my recent readings depicted this kind of situation in ancient history. It was about Rama son of Jamadagni (Parasurama). It was said that he exterminated Kshatriya's from this world 7 times. The times that earth underwent bereft of Kshatriya's were very much bitter and it is really hard for me to reproduce here. It is always said that the duty of a Brahman is to perform sacrifices and that of Vaishyas is to increase the wealth and that of Kshatriya is to protect them. There is one another race called sudras who are meant to serve the other three. In the absence of Kshatriya's there will be no one to protect. Not only that ancient sages has written vedas and sastras about what each kind of people have to do and the qualities they should posses. A kshatriya is one who not only protects people but also lives according to that standard.
Its very hard to see one such kind of person now a days whats even hurting is that whenever a person is engaged in fighting or even in quarrel people started believing that he is bad this gets worse when they come to know that if he has taken life of a person. But in ancient days that was the duty of Kshatriya we can even say that we are respecting people who serve for this country in military and police departments but in real we are kind of step away from these people we do not know these people we always step aside budge for anything for peaceful life. we even lose our self-respect.
Pride and Honor used to be our address once. self-respect is what we live for and look at what we have become. very few people i would say that still lives or at-least try to achieve those. what has happened ? and what has changed us completely?. Every one in this world lives based on their belief whether he is good or evil he will be believing something and will be living for it. Something has happened which changed our entire belief we are now doubting anything and everything that is around us. we our self has lost our trust and we are not trustworthy any more. Everyday our belief is changing as we are not living for the belief we are living for survival as we started to believe "Do anything for survival, As long as i live i don't care anybody doing anything and i will do anything to live the life better".
Many people don't even realize it. there is no one to protect the virtue and modesty. Everything is dead and buried as the Kshatriya's has been exterminated.
if i take a deeper dive into these problems and see their origin. They were not something which existed long back. The problem of power cut were not faced by ancient people becoz electricity was not invented those days. There were no money inflation problem as there were abundant resources available. There were survival problem but that's not because of the inflation and society but for war. I didn't meant to say that there weren't problems in ancient days all i meant to say is that they had problem of their time which they were facing happily and lived freely.
so what caused all these problems? when i asked this question myself there were lot of answers revolving around and first thing came to my mind was whom to accuse and how to accuse. I never realized the problem that resided in me. we people complain about many things and everyone and always think that what we do is correct and what we understand is the world but in real the world extends way far beyond our knowledge our understanding is not even one millionth part of it. we have lost many of our talents, race, art and we call our self as an icon for culture when we our self has been spoiling it.
my recent readings depicted this kind of situation in ancient history. It was about Rama son of Jamadagni (Parasurama). It was said that he exterminated Kshatriya's from this world 7 times. The times that earth underwent bereft of Kshatriya's were very much bitter and it is really hard for me to reproduce here. It is always said that the duty of a Brahman is to perform sacrifices and that of Vaishyas is to increase the wealth and that of Kshatriya is to protect them. There is one another race called sudras who are meant to serve the other three. In the absence of Kshatriya's there will be no one to protect. Not only that ancient sages has written vedas and sastras about what each kind of people have to do and the qualities they should posses. A kshatriya is one who not only protects people but also lives according to that standard.
Its very hard to see one such kind of person now a days whats even hurting is that whenever a person is engaged in fighting or even in quarrel people started believing that he is bad this gets worse when they come to know that if he has taken life of a person. But in ancient days that was the duty of Kshatriya we can even say that we are respecting people who serve for this country in military and police departments but in real we are kind of step away from these people we do not know these people we always step aside budge for anything for peaceful life. we even lose our self-respect.
Pride and Honor used to be our address once. self-respect is what we live for and look at what we have become. very few people i would say that still lives or at-least try to achieve those. what has happened ? and what has changed us completely?. Every one in this world lives based on their belief whether he is good or evil he will be believing something and will be living for it. Something has happened which changed our entire belief we are now doubting anything and everything that is around us. we our self has lost our trust and we are not trustworthy any more. Everyday our belief is changing as we are not living for the belief we are living for survival as we started to believe "Do anything for survival, As long as i live i don't care anybody doing anything and i will do anything to live the life better".
Many people don't even realize it. there is no one to protect the virtue and modesty. Everything is dead and buried as the Kshatriya's has been exterminated.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
7am Arivu, A weird thought
I have named the blog as weird thought but i am not sure whether the thought is weird or not. I have been very much attracted to the epic Mahabharata recently and ever since i started reading the epic Mahabharata I was very much eager to know what my karma was. As always its not an easy task to know your karma and fulfilling it. I kept on waiting and eagerly read all the historic incident or novels which could give me some reference of hint towards my karma.
I am not sure why i am writing about this blog but i felt it is my duty to express this thought of mine. when i was seriously exploring my karma, I came across a Tamil movie named "7am Arivu" meaning 7th sense. The movie was about bringing back the talent that existed among our ancient people. This movie not only talks about the science that our fore fathers followed and also shows us how advanced it is and how powerful it is.
I would like to quote to reference about the main theme of the movie that the research carried out by "Subha" (Sruthi Hasan) was not just invoking the ancient talents in the young DNA but also the method she used was based on the book that was written in olden days. It is not hard to believe that our fore fathers were powerful but yet it was difficult for me to believe that how exactly it could be achieved through our modern science and how still people are researching at the beginning stage of those technologies.
The part which i liked the most about the movie is that it also showed how our own thought and idea were ignored among the people who call themselves as the godfather of science ( I need to rephrase this as Indian god father of science ). Even though it hurts to witness that Indian scientists are not supporting the ancient Indian science, we kind of need to accept that we as Indians are quite attracted towards the foreign nations.
The benefits and the joy that the culture of foreign nation provide may attract us temporarily but when one realizes what our culture preaches and the goal it lead us is quite amazing to believe. At first i was one of the guy who used to mock people boasting on Indian culture and Ancient Indian practices till i experienced one for myself. I used to lie for my own benefits and i was habituated to fake promises for my own benefits.
Ever since I started reading Mahabharata, I was quite attracted towards what it preaches, I started analyzing the benefits that people enjoyed by following those practices, I promised myself that i would try to achieve at least one that was preached in Mahabharata. I was so touched with Yudisthira and Arjuna's character and wanted to try out what their character suggests. One among it was keeping the promises and being best at what they were doing. I kind of tried the first thing.
Not to say that it was really a difficult task to keep up with my own word but i kind of experienced some unknown happiness when i achieved it in any one of my task. I was really enjoying it and was feeling very much satisfied and complete when i was able to do it. That is when i realized the things that was preached in our ancient history was not just what they fooled us to blindly follow but they wanted us to understand the meaning of it and enjoy the complete benefit of it. I would like to quote one of the incident which my friend, philosopher or i can even call him as my preceptor quoted about Mahabharata.
He once mentioned that in Mahabharata, "Drona used to give a task of fetching a pot full of water to his disciples before starting his classes and used to start his lecturer once his first student arrives. He also wanted to make sure that his son Aswatama gets his full lessons by giving him a smaller pot". My friend also used to state that "Arjuna never missed the lessons even though he was handed a big pot". The secret behind it was he started using his lessons on pancha boothas to achieve his target. we had a discussion about it and kind of agreed that Drona actually meant his pupils to learn that the pancha boothas can be used as per their needs.
So the point i wanted to make out of this is, that i am not sure what exactly was Drona'a intention but if he actually wanted his pupil to learn that lesson, then he was the best teacher i would say on the other hand, if we consider that he was partial to his son even then Arjuna gained the lesson of using the pancha boothas to his convenience even though his preceptor didn't intend him to teach it. The moral in anyways Arjuna was benefited.
This movie "7am Arivu" not only preached about bringing back our culture, but also kind of inplanted the seed that how powerful our forefathers were. I was just wondering if what they showed in the movie viz., bringing back the talents through some gene hierarchy methodology or something ( I was not quite sure about the terminology gene hierarchy methodology ) but if that is true and we were to bring back the past talents, think about how powerful we will be.
Confused!!!. I too was at first when i had this thought but then something told me that when the talent of the people whom we barely remember were so powerful, think about how we would be if we bring back the talents of the people whom we consider as hero's in ancient period viz, Arjuna, Karna and so on. I kind of still believe that we have those talents of our ancient people still hidden within some people who were their inherited heir's. I was really happy for such a thought occurred to an Indian and really hope to see it being achieved in real. Its always good to see a like minded people who actually achieves what they intended.
Hope for the great adventure and turn of events in the future
I am not sure why i am writing about this blog but i felt it is my duty to express this thought of mine. when i was seriously exploring my karma, I came across a Tamil movie named "7am Arivu" meaning 7th sense. The movie was about bringing back the talent that existed among our ancient people. This movie not only talks about the science that our fore fathers followed and also shows us how advanced it is and how powerful it is.
I would like to quote to reference about the main theme of the movie that the research carried out by "Subha" (Sruthi Hasan) was not just invoking the ancient talents in the young DNA but also the method she used was based on the book that was written in olden days. It is not hard to believe that our fore fathers were powerful but yet it was difficult for me to believe that how exactly it could be achieved through our modern science and how still people are researching at the beginning stage of those technologies.
The part which i liked the most about the movie is that it also showed how our own thought and idea were ignored among the people who call themselves as the godfather of science ( I need to rephrase this as Indian god father of science ). Even though it hurts to witness that Indian scientists are not supporting the ancient Indian science, we kind of need to accept that we as Indians are quite attracted towards the foreign nations.
The benefits and the joy that the culture of foreign nation provide may attract us temporarily but when one realizes what our culture preaches and the goal it lead us is quite amazing to believe. At first i was one of the guy who used to mock people boasting on Indian culture and Ancient Indian practices till i experienced one for myself. I used to lie for my own benefits and i was habituated to fake promises for my own benefits.
Ever since I started reading Mahabharata, I was quite attracted towards what it preaches, I started analyzing the benefits that people enjoyed by following those practices, I promised myself that i would try to achieve at least one that was preached in Mahabharata. I was so touched with Yudisthira and Arjuna's character and wanted to try out what their character suggests. One among it was keeping the promises and being best at what they were doing. I kind of tried the first thing.
Not to say that it was really a difficult task to keep up with my own word but i kind of experienced some unknown happiness when i achieved it in any one of my task. I was really enjoying it and was feeling very much satisfied and complete when i was able to do it. That is when i realized the things that was preached in our ancient history was not just what they fooled us to blindly follow but they wanted us to understand the meaning of it and enjoy the complete benefit of it. I would like to quote one of the incident which my friend, philosopher or i can even call him as my preceptor quoted about Mahabharata.
He once mentioned that in Mahabharata, "Drona used to give a task of fetching a pot full of water to his disciples before starting his classes and used to start his lecturer once his first student arrives. He also wanted to make sure that his son Aswatama gets his full lessons by giving him a smaller pot". My friend also used to state that "Arjuna never missed the lessons even though he was handed a big pot". The secret behind it was he started using his lessons on pancha boothas to achieve his target. we had a discussion about it and kind of agreed that Drona actually meant his pupils to learn that the pancha boothas can be used as per their needs.
So the point i wanted to make out of this is, that i am not sure what exactly was Drona'a intention but if he actually wanted his pupil to learn that lesson, then he was the best teacher i would say on the other hand, if we consider that he was partial to his son even then Arjuna gained the lesson of using the pancha boothas to his convenience even though his preceptor didn't intend him to teach it. The moral in anyways Arjuna was benefited.
This movie "7am Arivu" not only preached about bringing back our culture, but also kind of inplanted the seed that how powerful our forefathers were. I was just wondering if what they showed in the movie viz., bringing back the talents through some gene hierarchy methodology or something ( I was not quite sure about the terminology gene hierarchy methodology ) but if that is true and we were to bring back the past talents, think about how powerful we will be.
Confused!!!. I too was at first when i had this thought but then something told me that when the talent of the people whom we barely remember were so powerful, think about how we would be if we bring back the talents of the people whom we consider as hero's in ancient period viz, Arjuna, Karna and so on. I kind of still believe that we have those talents of our ancient people still hidden within some people who were their inherited heir's. I was really happy for such a thought occurred to an Indian and really hope to see it being achieved in real. Its always good to see a like minded people who actually achieves what they intended.
Hope for the great adventure and turn of events in the future
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Naked Truth
5 years before I would never know that i would be in this position as i am now. I do not even know where i would be 5 years henceforward. The present lives forever only difference would be your's present today will be your past tomorrow. I am neither a hardcore reader nor a writer, but i have developed these habits and ever since i started reading the novels my life has changed drastically. I started to live in my own world of imagination :). It would sound funny that i even created in my imagination a plot for my own novels and not just novels i even extended it to present it in the form of video games. How crazy am I??
The naked truth as the topic stands for itself. I kind of got this feeling that nakedness is always bitter to digest. Let it be anything say your thoughts, can you say that you always meant what you said or what you did. In my experience almost everyone doesn't. We lie many times and act differently from our thoughts, we fake our laughs and appreciations and many things we could say. The truth is only you know your naked face and could judge your actions no one else is good enough for it.
I do not know how many believe in "Karma". But recently i kind of have a strong feeling that everyone's life is based on their karma. Ever since I read the great epic "Mahabharata", my perception towards life changed. It has lot of hidden truths in it. Its two early to say as i have read Mahabharata only twice but yet i noticed that it presented differently when i read it for the second time. I guess if i read it for the third time it might present itself in some new form. But the idea of karma has started to attract me ever since i have read this novel.
My this new attraction started questioning me about what my karma is? a difficult question to answer and i am not going to say that i have one but i am anxious to know what it is. I started to realize something while seeking my karma that many people fulfill their destiny without knowing that they were actually destined for this. They perform their duty as if a normal activity and once they fulfill their karma based on their merits, they enjoy rest of their life and leave the world. I have started reading about many historical novels and incidents based on these ideas and in the end i get to know only one thing that you may never feel to live any longer if you have known that your destiny is fulfilled.
Some people know that they are destined for something but do not know what they are destined for and they would be fulfilling their destiny while searching for the same. only few people knows whats their karma is and take the course of the life accordingly to fulfill their karma. we kind of quote reference for those people in ancient history. In todays world people laugh at when you say these words. People mock at you, they crown you as mental, all these for the saying this naked truth.
The naked truth as the topic stands for itself. I kind of got this feeling that nakedness is always bitter to digest. Let it be anything say your thoughts, can you say that you always meant what you said or what you did. In my experience almost everyone doesn't. We lie many times and act differently from our thoughts, we fake our laughs and appreciations and many things we could say. The truth is only you know your naked face and could judge your actions no one else is good enough for it.
I do not know how many believe in "Karma". But recently i kind of have a strong feeling that everyone's life is based on their karma. Ever since I read the great epic "Mahabharata", my perception towards life changed. It has lot of hidden truths in it. Its two early to say as i have read Mahabharata only twice but yet i noticed that it presented differently when i read it for the second time. I guess if i read it for the third time it might present itself in some new form. But the idea of karma has started to attract me ever since i have read this novel.
My this new attraction started questioning me about what my karma is? a difficult question to answer and i am not going to say that i have one but i am anxious to know what it is. I started to realize something while seeking my karma that many people fulfill their destiny without knowing that they were actually destined for this. They perform their duty as if a normal activity and once they fulfill their karma based on their merits, they enjoy rest of their life and leave the world. I have started reading about many historical novels and incidents based on these ideas and in the end i get to know only one thing that you may never feel to live any longer if you have known that your destiny is fulfilled.
Some people know that they are destined for something but do not know what they are destined for and they would be fulfilling their destiny while searching for the same. only few people knows whats their karma is and take the course of the life accordingly to fulfill their karma. we kind of quote reference for those people in ancient history. In todays world people laugh at when you say these words. People mock at you, they crown you as mental, all these for the saying this naked truth.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
No Victory without violations
I was so attracted to the Kshatriya race and the traditions followed by them. Ever since i started reading Mahabharata, The principles they follow amaze me a lot. Even though there were many notable things there were certain things which is nagging me. I met no one so far who could clarify me those nags. It was told in mahabharata that Yudistira the just, meaning that he is well known for his judgements and he will not slip from justice. There were two scenarios which is nagging me in this aspect. First, Yudistira would never have been victorious if it wasn't for his lies which took the life of drona and secondly when kunti was feeding poison for the nisadha mother and children at varanavratha, what was his justice doing at that time.
There could be many number of reasons why they should die, but the way they have died in the hands of kunti and pandavas were not justified and yet he was called yudistira the just. It was also called that Arjuna the victorious warrior ever in the field of battle field. Why then he was not able to defeat Bhisma without the help of shikandin. He also attacked a person who has dropped his weapon. As far my knowledge it is not been considered as the qualities of kshatriya. Not only that he also killed two other persons in the war without following the dharma definied for kshatriya (viz. karna and Burisravas). Though it was satyaki who killed burisravas in the battle field, it was arjuna who first cut his hand when he is not fighting with him.
Reading further, when karna spared yudistira his life, he was angry at arjuna for not killing karna. But when Dhuriyodhana was saved by Yudistira during their gandarvas attack. He resolved to cast away his life rather than angering towards yudistira. Even he would not have been victorious if not for his lies which caused drona to cast away his life. Considering all these facts, as Balarama said that just because of one bad quality (extremely bad) you are not considering the good qualities residing in him. where as the Pandavas were never spoken about their bad qualities which is on the other extreme near to good.
Not only in Mahabharata, even in ramayana, Rama defeated valli without following the war rules. if it weren't that incidence Rama would never have gained the vanara troops and we may never know whether rama would have succeeded in his quest.He sent sita away upon hearing the words of his people. He also claims it as Raj Neethi. But doesn't that mean that he has slipped his justice for an women. again people started tales about the incident, there could be hell lot of reasons we may never know but with the revealed info so far, it occurs to me that there is no victory without small violations.
The same thing is what happening in the present world and present raaj neethi and only difference is that now people are exploring new ways to justify themselves and always try to be victorious by violating everything. if the same continues there will come a day where violation is the one and only source of survival and when such time comes we may never know that it was start of Armageddon
There could be many number of reasons why they should die, but the way they have died in the hands of kunti and pandavas were not justified and yet he was called yudistira the just. It was also called that Arjuna the victorious warrior ever in the field of battle field. Why then he was not able to defeat Bhisma without the help of shikandin. He also attacked a person who has dropped his weapon. As far my knowledge it is not been considered as the qualities of kshatriya. Not only that he also killed two other persons in the war without following the dharma definied for kshatriya (viz. karna and Burisravas). Though it was satyaki who killed burisravas in the battle field, it was arjuna who first cut his hand when he is not fighting with him.
Reading further, when karna spared yudistira his life, he was angry at arjuna for not killing karna. But when Dhuriyodhana was saved by Yudistira during their gandarvas attack. He resolved to cast away his life rather than angering towards yudistira. Even he would not have been victorious if not for his lies which caused drona to cast away his life. Considering all these facts, as Balarama said that just because of one bad quality (extremely bad) you are not considering the good qualities residing in him. where as the Pandavas were never spoken about their bad qualities which is on the other extreme near to good.
Not only in Mahabharata, even in ramayana, Rama defeated valli without following the war rules. if it weren't that incidence Rama would never have gained the vanara troops and we may never know whether rama would have succeeded in his quest.He sent sita away upon hearing the words of his people. He also claims it as Raj Neethi. But doesn't that mean that he has slipped his justice for an women. again people started tales about the incident, there could be hell lot of reasons we may never know but with the revealed info so far, it occurs to me that there is no victory without small violations.
The same thing is what happening in the present world and present raaj neethi and only difference is that now people are exploring new ways to justify themselves and always try to be victorious by violating everything. if the same continues there will come a day where violation is the one and only source of survival and when such time comes we may never know that it was start of Armageddon
Monday, June 20, 2011
The Sweet and The Bitter - II
I actually do not want to present this part of my love story but, this my new company making me read many technical documents and eventually i have to keep myself from dozing off. As I had mentioned in my previous blog my chats and talks with her was making me crazy. I have never felt like this before. Unable to withstand my craziness, I decided to propose her. Just deciding would not do. I have to make it right and make it work. I always have the fear that she might reject, I believe everyone who's in love and haven't expressed it might have. I just cannot think of the possibility of being rejected. So I have decided to prepare myself for the rejection first.
I was looking out for every opportunity to distract my thought. I kind of grabbed more work at office and kept myself busy. This actually costed me some late night works :) but that's ok as the strategy was working. whenever she calls me i was kind of cutting it short with work as my excuse and i continued it to certain point where i was just responding to her calls and never initiated one. Those were really hard times but I managed. This carried on for a while. Even though I was taking few steps back whenever i received her call my instincts would urge me to propose her. I was kind of expecting that she herself would understand it. sometimes it seems to me that she clearly knows what i had in mind but she always teased me. I was a kind of losing patience. Though i have habituated not to call her, I couldn't control her calls to me.
Thank God for my second on-site visit as it meant that our calls would be cut down and i do not need to hear her voice for few months. I somewhat mentally prepared myself that i need to propose to her before returning. I don't actually want to stay close to her when that happens and i wanted the means of communication to be minimal so that I can handle the situation gracefully whatever her response may be. Hence I decided that I should propose to her before coming back. After reaching US we continued to stay in touch via e-mails and internet chats. I was kind of started thinking how people survived without cellular phones and Internets as they are so into being part of our life, Thanks to IT for that.
We were chatting about various things during my initial days in US. I reached my last month stay in US and nothing happened so far. I came to know that she is taking a vacation of 10 days for some festival in her native and she wont be coming online as the village is not technologically developed to provide internet. Blame the Indian government for keeping the rural areas undeveloped. The time she mentioned was exactly a week before my departure. I was kind of hoping that would be the correct time to do it and not hear from her for at least 10 days. I never have imagined about the response whether it be YES or NO, I am not sure i could handle either. All I was thinking is it would be off my plate that's it. Finally the day arrived (its an anniversary today as it happened on the same date exactly few years ago) and I proposed. In-spite of all the imaginations i had about how to do it and the appropriate timing and the environment, I just slipped it out of our casual chat.
Even today I feel that I could have bettered it, but its happened. she actually kind of handled it well and rejected my proposal in a very smooth way but the problem started after wards. I was out of her contact for 10 days and the break actually helped me.I came back to India and was kind of hoping that she would not call. Even though I prepared myself to take NO, I felt I needed some break to get over her completely. she didn't called me for 2 weeks. I was kind of thankful to her as she understood my situation and is giving me my time. I as usual maintained my state of not initiating a call. she called me after few days and sounded upset, she was accusing me for not calling her and blamed me that i have been ignoring her as she rejected me. It is true that i ignored her but not suddenly and definitely not after I proposed to her. I had been ignoring her even before that but she doesn't seems to see it. All my activities to prepare myself for NO suddenly seems to have acquired its gigantic form. She seemed to realize each and every activity of it and started blaming me that i am doing it only after she rejected me. I don't want to hurt her as during our talks earlier i know that she has been badly hurt by her other friends and she now believes that i am her best friend. I wanted to tell her that "Hey chill out, I have been recently turned down by you. Don't you think I need time to cheer up?" but my love towards her prevented me to say it as i don't want her to hurt again by a friend.
Everyday the accusation continued. The hardest part is she blames me in the name of getting me back to normal. She never realized that only way of getting me back to normal was leave me alone for few days. The blames continued for a while after a while I guess she was fed up with blaming me so she reduced her frequency of calling. This relaxed me a bit. Even though i wanted to keep my distance from her, I was always feeling guilt about avoiding her being her best friend. Finally after over some 6 months period I could finally overcome it and started calling her. I didn't know whether she realized my situations or not but, slowly I diverted her attention from me and moved myself from her best fried to friend state. Now we are still in touch not to the extent we were before but we do share few moments of our life.
I was looking out for every opportunity to distract my thought. I kind of grabbed more work at office and kept myself busy. This actually costed me some late night works :) but that's ok as the strategy was working. whenever she calls me i was kind of cutting it short with work as my excuse and i continued it to certain point where i was just responding to her calls and never initiated one. Those were really hard times but I managed. This carried on for a while. Even though I was taking few steps back whenever i received her call my instincts would urge me to propose her. I was kind of expecting that she herself would understand it. sometimes it seems to me that she clearly knows what i had in mind but she always teased me. I was a kind of losing patience. Though i have habituated not to call her, I couldn't control her calls to me.
Thank God for my second on-site visit as it meant that our calls would be cut down and i do not need to hear her voice for few months. I somewhat mentally prepared myself that i need to propose to her before returning. I don't actually want to stay close to her when that happens and i wanted the means of communication to be minimal so that I can handle the situation gracefully whatever her response may be. Hence I decided that I should propose to her before coming back. After reaching US we continued to stay in touch via e-mails and internet chats. I was kind of started thinking how people survived without cellular phones and Internets as they are so into being part of our life, Thanks to IT for that.
We were chatting about various things during my initial days in US. I reached my last month stay in US and nothing happened so far. I came to know that she is taking a vacation of 10 days for some festival in her native and she wont be coming online as the village is not technologically developed to provide internet. Blame the Indian government for keeping the rural areas undeveloped. The time she mentioned was exactly a week before my departure. I was kind of hoping that would be the correct time to do it and not hear from her for at least 10 days. I never have imagined about the response whether it be YES or NO, I am not sure i could handle either. All I was thinking is it would be off my plate that's it. Finally the day arrived (its an anniversary today as it happened on the same date exactly few years ago) and I proposed. In-spite of all the imaginations i had about how to do it and the appropriate timing and the environment, I just slipped it out of our casual chat.
Even today I feel that I could have bettered it, but its happened. she actually kind of handled it well and rejected my proposal in a very smooth way but the problem started after wards. I was out of her contact for 10 days and the break actually helped me.I came back to India and was kind of hoping that she would not call. Even though I prepared myself to take NO, I felt I needed some break to get over her completely. she didn't called me for 2 weeks. I was kind of thankful to her as she understood my situation and is giving me my time. I as usual maintained my state of not initiating a call. she called me after few days and sounded upset, she was accusing me for not calling her and blamed me that i have been ignoring her as she rejected me. It is true that i ignored her but not suddenly and definitely not after I proposed to her. I had been ignoring her even before that but she doesn't seems to see it. All my activities to prepare myself for NO suddenly seems to have acquired its gigantic form. She seemed to realize each and every activity of it and started blaming me that i am doing it only after she rejected me. I don't want to hurt her as during our talks earlier i know that she has been badly hurt by her other friends and she now believes that i am her best friend. I wanted to tell her that "Hey chill out, I have been recently turned down by you. Don't you think I need time to cheer up?" but my love towards her prevented me to say it as i don't want her to hurt again by a friend.
Everyday the accusation continued. The hardest part is she blames me in the name of getting me back to normal. She never realized that only way of getting me back to normal was leave me alone for few days. The blames continued for a while after a while I guess she was fed up with blaming me so she reduced her frequency of calling. This relaxed me a bit. Even though i wanted to keep my distance from her, I was always feeling guilt about avoiding her being her best friend. Finally after over some 6 months period I could finally overcome it and started calling her. I didn't know whether she realized my situations or not but, slowly I diverted her attention from me and moved myself from her best fried to friend state. Now we are still in touch not to the extent we were before but we do share few moments of our life.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Sweet and The Bitter
It has been long time since I expressed myself. I was kind of busy in this, that and that. In the gap between my last post and this, I have realised many things and some I really wanted to blog it. But, as usual I couldn't do it may be I was destined to keep it myself (chuckles). Also I have changed my job so there might be delay in my blogging. I couldn't resist this thought so here I present.
We come across many things in our life but all of them doesn't remain as our memories. There are certain memories like first job, first betrayal etc., which we might not be able to get rid of our mind. No matter how hard you try it, one thing or other will always keeps reminding you those memories and First Love stands top in those list. The reason I write this blog now in-spite of my other nibbling thoughts is also the same. Few years back it so happened that i expressed my love to a girl. The memories of those moments still remain in me. I still remember the minute details of that moment.
Few years before I proposed her she came in my life. I still remember the first time I met her where she mistook me as my brother and was chatting with me. Out of school and freshly into college, I instantly developed a crush towards her. I always used to imagine many things out of which some are extraordinary and some are simple but I have never attempted to try either of them. Speaking to girls was one such thing for me at that age. Since we are not of same college its very rare occasions that I meet her. It would make me feel happy when such occasions occur. It continued for some period and I have kind of being developed friendship with all in their group. It was all moving well until one day I heard the news. yes, she was already in love with someone and it so happened that he is one of my close friend in that group.
I was so depressed and as everyone do I was judging all the diplomatic reasons to convince myself either to move on or their love is immature. It took me some time to realize its I who is immature to still struggle with thoughts as i was not sure at that point of time whether my feeling towards her was an infatuation or love. I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind, luckily it made something good to me. It actually increased my bonding with my friends. I am still happy that happened. The Final semester was nearing sooner and my focus shifted towards job and she was completely out of my thoughts. I was soon placed in a decent software firm and the job changed everything in me. I happened to learn responsibility and many things and since I was sharing the room with my college friends, my days was moving very fast.
One day, I happened to hear that she has broken-up with her boyfriend and I felt very happy for a moment and even i thought of re-inventing my love with her. Later I realised that both were my friends and felt pity for their situation. I was quickly back into my world and was concentrating on my work. I was sent to US as part of my job and before starting to US I visited my parents and it so happened that i met her and we greeted each other with general "hi" "hello" and exchanged our mail-id's. Even though I was busy at my work I was feeling a little bit bored as i was missing something in US. In a weeks time she started chatting with me. Initially with few minutes and lately it followed all night. I used to stay awake till 4 in the morning just to chat with her. sometimes she will be online and some times she might not. As time moves on I was kind of expecting her ping daily and will get upset when i dont see her online.
She used to share everything with me, infact I believe that she started chatting with me because of the break-up. Since all her friends are his too she was searching for someone to express herself. Our this chatting increased our friendship, we continued to stay in touch after i reached to india. Every time my phone rings, I was hoping that it would be her that is when I realised my love for her. I never send/reply via sms to anyone but started sending it to her. I realised that i am moving closer to her and tried to keep my distance but couldn't. In one way or another we end up talking daily. I even asked her out (as a friend) - to know her intention of spending time with me but I received a mixed response and I was not able to study her intentions.
Finally during my second visit to US I have made up my mind that i need to propose her before my return. One Fine day It happened (more on it later as it is getting lengthier) :)
We come across many things in our life but all of them doesn't remain as our memories. There are certain memories like first job, first betrayal etc., which we might not be able to get rid of our mind. No matter how hard you try it, one thing or other will always keeps reminding you those memories and First Love stands top in those list. The reason I write this blog now in-spite of my other nibbling thoughts is also the same. Few years back it so happened that i expressed my love to a girl. The memories of those moments still remain in me. I still remember the minute details of that moment.
Few years before I proposed her she came in my life. I still remember the first time I met her where she mistook me as my brother and was chatting with me. Out of school and freshly into college, I instantly developed a crush towards her. I always used to imagine many things out of which some are extraordinary and some are simple but I have never attempted to try either of them. Speaking to girls was one such thing for me at that age. Since we are not of same college its very rare occasions that I meet her. It would make me feel happy when such occasions occur. It continued for some period and I have kind of being developed friendship with all in their group. It was all moving well until one day I heard the news. yes, she was already in love with someone and it so happened that he is one of my close friend in that group.
I was so depressed and as everyone do I was judging all the diplomatic reasons to convince myself either to move on or their love is immature. It took me some time to realize its I who is immature to still struggle with thoughts as i was not sure at that point of time whether my feeling towards her was an infatuation or love. I tried to push the thoughts out of my mind, luckily it made something good to me. It actually increased my bonding with my friends. I am still happy that happened. The Final semester was nearing sooner and my focus shifted towards job and she was completely out of my thoughts. I was soon placed in a decent software firm and the job changed everything in me. I happened to learn responsibility and many things and since I was sharing the room with my college friends, my days was moving very fast.
One day, I happened to hear that she has broken-up with her boyfriend and I felt very happy for a moment and even i thought of re-inventing my love with her. Later I realised that both were my friends and felt pity for their situation. I was quickly back into my world and was concentrating on my work. I was sent to US as part of my job and before starting to US I visited my parents and it so happened that i met her and we greeted each other with general "hi" "hello" and exchanged our mail-id's. Even though I was busy at my work I was feeling a little bit bored as i was missing something in US. In a weeks time she started chatting with me. Initially with few minutes and lately it followed all night. I used to stay awake till 4 in the morning just to chat with her. sometimes she will be online and some times she might not. As time moves on I was kind of expecting her ping daily and will get upset when i dont see her online.
She used to share everything with me, infact I believe that she started chatting with me because of the break-up. Since all her friends are his too she was searching for someone to express herself. Our this chatting increased our friendship, we continued to stay in touch after i reached to india. Every time my phone rings, I was hoping that it would be her that is when I realised my love for her. I never send/reply via sms to anyone but started sending it to her. I realised that i am moving closer to her and tried to keep my distance but couldn't. In one way or another we end up talking daily. I even asked her out (as a friend) - to know her intention of spending time with me but I received a mixed response and I was not able to study her intentions.
Finally during my second visit to US I have made up my mind that i need to propose her before my return. One Fine day It happened (more on it later as it is getting lengthier) :)
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