I actually do not want to present this part of my love story but, this my new company making me read many technical documents and eventually i have to keep myself from dozing off. As I had mentioned in my previous blog my chats and talks with her was making me crazy. I have never felt like this before. Unable to withstand my craziness, I decided to propose her. Just deciding would not do. I have to make it right and make it work. I always have the fear that she might reject, I believe everyone who's in love and haven't expressed it might have. I just cannot think of the possibility of being rejected. So I have decided to prepare myself for the rejection first.
I was looking out for every opportunity to distract my thought. I kind of grabbed more work at office and kept myself busy. This actually costed me some late night works :) but that's ok as the strategy was working. whenever she calls me i was kind of cutting it short with work as my excuse and i continued it to certain point where i was just responding to her calls and never initiated one. Those were really hard times but I managed. This carried on for a while. Even though I was taking few steps back whenever i received her call my instincts would urge me to propose her. I was kind of expecting that she herself would understand it. sometimes it seems to me that she clearly knows what i had in mind but she always teased me. I was a kind of losing patience. Though i have habituated not to call her, I couldn't control her calls to me.
Thank God for my second on-site visit as it meant that our calls would be cut down and i do not need to hear her voice for few months. I somewhat mentally prepared myself that i need to propose to her before returning. I don't actually want to stay close to her when that happens and i wanted the means of communication to be minimal so that I can handle the situation gracefully whatever her response may be. Hence I decided that I should propose to her before coming back. After reaching US we continued to stay in touch via e-mails and internet chats. I was kind of started thinking how people survived without cellular phones and Internets as they are so into being part of our life, Thanks to IT for that.
We were chatting about various things during my initial days in US. I reached my last month stay in US and nothing happened so far. I came to know that she is taking a vacation of 10 days for some festival in her native and she wont be coming online as the village is not technologically developed to provide internet. Blame the Indian government for keeping the rural areas undeveloped. The time she mentioned was exactly a week before my departure. I was kind of hoping that would be the correct time to do it and not hear from her for at least 10 days. I never have imagined about the response whether it be YES or NO, I am not sure i could handle either. All I was thinking is it would be off my plate that's it. Finally the day arrived (its an anniversary today as it happened on the same date exactly few years ago) and I proposed. In-spite of all the imaginations i had about how to do it and the appropriate timing and the environment, I just slipped it out of our casual chat.
Even today I feel that I could have bettered it, but its happened. she actually kind of handled it well and rejected my proposal in a very smooth way but the problem started after wards. I was out of her contact for 10 days and the break actually helped me.I came back to India and was kind of hoping that she would not call. Even though I prepared myself to take NO, I felt I needed some break to get over her completely. she didn't called me for 2 weeks. I was kind of thankful to her as she understood my situation and is giving me my time. I as usual maintained my state of not initiating a call. she called me after few days and sounded upset, she was accusing me for not calling her and blamed me that i have been ignoring her as she rejected me. It is true that i ignored her but not suddenly and definitely not after I proposed to her. I had been ignoring her even before that but she doesn't seems to see it. All my activities to prepare myself for NO suddenly seems to have acquired its gigantic form. She seemed to realize each and every activity of it and started blaming me that i am doing it only after she rejected me. I don't want to hurt her as during our talks earlier i know that she has been badly hurt by her other friends and she now believes that i am her best friend. I wanted to tell her that "Hey chill out, I have been recently turned down by you. Don't you think I need time to cheer up?" but my love towards her prevented me to say it as i don't want her to hurt again by a friend.
Everyday the accusation continued. The hardest part is she blames me in the name of getting me back to normal. She never realized that only way of getting me back to normal was leave me alone for few days. The blames continued for a while after a while I guess she was fed up with blaming me so she reduced her frequency of calling. This relaxed me a bit. Even though i wanted to keep my distance from her, I was always feeling guilt about avoiding her being her best friend. Finally after over some 6 months period I could finally overcome it and started calling her. I didn't know whether she realized my situations or not but, slowly I diverted her attention from me and moved myself from her best fried to friend state. Now we are still in touch not to the extent we were before but we do share few moments of our life.
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